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Yesterday I saw a sound bite where Joe Biden was angrily hollering at a rally for Obama “I’ve had it up to here” and the story went on with some embattled retort to something said in the McCain camp.  What are they training us about who they are?  Does it really matter what they say and to whom?  Are we seeing what’s in their heart (which will lead the country) from the media reports, which by-the-way includes this very post?

I had a conversation with a potential mortgage loan client yesterday (we’ll name her Jane) who contacted me from a directive on her monthly loan statement.  She has a fixed loan with a lower rate than current yet it’s going to convert to an adjustable rate in 1.5 years.  Her dilemma is should she refinance now or wait until the fixed rate portion is over.  Excellent question to be asking.  What do you think I told her to do?  Write your answer down right now. . .

We all know the headlines and turmoil in mortgage lending.  “I’ve had it up to here” with the talking heads in the newsrooms across the country in TV, Radio, and all across the Web that have made sure we are absolutely clear how “BAD” this “CRISIS” really is.  I’m getting calls from scared clients I’ve carefully developed for 25 years asking me questions about what they should be doing with the fear they are experiencing.  I’ve had it up to here with conversations that generate fear.  So now it’s up to me!  What should we do, what is the RIGHT thing to do, what is the BEST thing Jane could do - Is there really a crisis to do anything about, or is the doing that people are doing, the real crisis that’s being created?

I discussed Jane’s qualifications after several days of collecting her real #’s.  I researched her actual loan terms & we discussed how that loan would work down the road.  We looked at what the rate would be today if it converted and speculated about that conversion formula and resulting interest rate.  Jane shared with me her living plans and some of her dreams for the next 2-5 years.  We talked about a refinance, the timing, available lenders and programs, costs involved, and options to all of these she could control or not.  This conversation lasted about 40 minutes as she asked for clarification of her own concerns plus some I raised.

Jane and I completed the call.  She now has answers to critical questions she’s been struggling with.  More important, she’s settled, she’s peaceful, she has options.  The difference for her is she now has actual facts she understands and can verify, she can now live the future exactly the way she wants, and that’s real power!

Will I get her business and be paid for supporting her, I sure need and want it these days, but what matters is the honor and respect that just having quality facts produced for Jane.  She can now choose what’s best for her.  To find out what she chose, and if you were right, come back next week which is when I find out.

Basic communication has only 4 parts and can get complicated or distorted when we forget where we are in the process and stop paying attention.

Each part of the process takes time to develop, be fully expressed and experienced.  Moving on too quickly creates that uneasy feeling of being incomplete.

Communication primarily deals with Thought, Feelings, Beliefs, or Memories.

In its purest form, communication is Creation, bringing something into existence in language from nothing - Thinking is not communication, it’s thinking!

 BEFORE - What happened, the experience that precedes communication

Usually something happens that triggers thought, feelings, beliefs, or memories (past tense) or inspirations (present or future tense).

 Part 1 - What happened (the event)

Responsibility and ownership of experiences in my life is important for me and only me.  I can’t speak for someone else’s experience, only my own.  Examples are somebody said something to me, I saw something, I heard something, I tasted something - some physical sensory experience in my life happened.

 Part 2 - What did I experience, do, or say as a result of what happened

What was my experience of what happened?  What reaction did I have to it?  What did I think it meant, what did I do, say, or believe, how was I inspired, saddened or did I anticipate, even worry about, what was I afraid of.

If we are honest and look deeply, in this part of communication we get in touch with or learn from our automatic reactions to life’s endless situations and conclusions we made about our past.  Now we have a choice; unconciously continue that behavior or choose something better and different.

 Part 3 - Clean up the mess

Here we apologize for causing upset or damage in the life of those who experienced what we said or did.  This is the hardest part of any communication because we are vulnerable and exposed; we tell on ourselves, we reveal the jerks, the animals that we are on automatic pilot.  Since this will continue for the rest of our lives we must get good at cleaning up after ourselves.  The only alternative is a path of destruction behind us.  We are always 100% responsible for being the cause of what happened (Part 3).  Realizing this, we now communicate from our heart, our deepest inner being, that we caused suffering then ask to be forgiven sincerely and with compassion for those we care about.

Part 4 - Make a new promise

Having seen what happened, recognizing the mess we made, and being committed to behaving better, we can now make a new promise about future behavior.  At this point in effective communication, these promises come from our deepest foundational values in life, and can only be promised sincerely once we’ve been through all 4 steps in the sequence.  That doesn’t mean long conversations, although at first it may until we get the practice down.

So yes it takes skill and practice to ask “What Happened”!